A Guide for Supporting Your Friend During their Divorce
I have incredible friends. And most of them were there for me during my divorce. Others, I lost. Looking back, it needed to happen, but at the time it felt devastating.
Our friends usually have the best of intentions, but if you’ve never been through a divorce yourself, it’s hard to know what your friend is experiencing, and how to help.
Here’s a simple list to get you going:
Don’t Ask, Just DO: Saying “let me know how I can help” is NOT helpful. Instead, tell them what you are planning to do. “I’ll be there at 11am to…pick you up for lunch out/clean your house/watch the kids so you can nap, etc." You can help in person or delegate to Uber Eats or a housecleaning service, both count! These small acts can significantly reduce their stress.
Check-In: Try to check in with them consistently – even if it’s just a quick text. Whether that’s 3 times a day or once a week, whatever works best for you.
Give Them Space: Understand that they might need time alone. And also respect your space – only help when you have the time and energy.
Distract with something shiny: Plan some fun like a girls night out, day trip, or hobby-related get together to offer a distraction. Or simple, everyday things like going with her to the grocery store or meeting at school for a “walk-n-talk” after drop-off.
Be her cheerleader: She likely has a lot of negative nelly’s around her right now. Offer encouragement and remind her of her strengths and resilience.
No Gossip Girls: Steer clear of talking about your friend to others. Even with the best of intentions, school communities are a breeding ground for rumors. Plus, divorce happens to over 50% of marriages, so the less “shocked” you are with the news, the more normalized it gets (which is a GOOD thing…takes away the feeling of shame for families).
Let’s Party: Organize a “divorce party” with all her friends/family. Having everyone in one spot will allow your friend to tell people all at once what she needs. And people really do want to know how to help.
It can’t be just you: Suggest seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor, or joining a support group where they can connect with others experiencing similar challenges.
Give her a Pass: Your friend will not be “herself” for awhile, so try to give her some grace. If she doesn’t tell you about the divorce directly, or she tells you after sharing with other friends, try not to take it personally. It’s NOT an indication of how much she loves your friendship. Sometimes it’s the people we’re the closest to that are the hardest to tell.
Zip it and just Be There: Don’t EVER tell her “what you really thought of her ex” (this happened to me and it SUCKED). It only adds embarrassment and shame to an already difficult situation. Just allow your friend to vent, cry, or talk about their feelings without offering unsolicited advice or trying to solve anything. All she needs is your listening ear.
70% of divorced individuals feel isolated - thank you for being the friend who puts in the energy to change that. She may not have the words to express it now, but I can tell you from experience, the support of a friend is invaluable during this time.
Shall we make this inbox official?
Subscribe to my weekly newsletter for tips, helpful insights, and a dose of humor to brighten your week as you navigate divorce and coparenting.
(No spam, I promise. I don't even know how.)
