If you’re the kind of person who likes to know as much as possible about who you work with, click here to read about my personal and professional experience. Otherwise, please read on!
I don’t understand why our society has demonized divorce so intensely.
(And before anyone asks, no–I’m not advocating for divorce.)
I am advocating for making the best out of what you’ve got for your family’s well-being.
“Divorce” is two people (or more if that’s your thing) who loved each other (probably still do) had kids, shared a home, did dishes, laughed, fought, did all the married things.
And then something changed. One person changed, or both people changed. Life changed. And you couldn’t go back to where you were before.
The stats vary, but on average, 35%-50% of all first time marriages end in divorce.
That’s roughly 1,000,000 a year.
So…why are we still SHOCKED? And JUDGEMENTAL?
When you tell people you’re getting a divorce, they always have something (usually dumb) to say. Five years later I still remember them…
A Neighbor:
“I’m praying that Jesus will mend your marriage and save this beautiful family.”
(I’ll take prayers anytime, but we don’t need mending or saving. Thanks though!)
Lots of People:
“Oh NO?!! What happened??!!”
(See divorce stat reference above).
School Community:
Nothing to your face…
(LOTS when you walk away.)
Our kid’s teacher:
Crying and hugging her saying “I’m so sorry! I just feel awful for you!”
(Our kid in response: “Um…thanks?” Awk-ward.)
Some friends:
“You left your husband and kids?!”
(Wait, where did I go?)
Your Mother:
“What do I tell my friends?!” Have you tried to fix your marriage? Like really tried?”
(When “tried” is an understatement.)
That Voice in Your Head: “I’m going to blow up my family and fu#k up my kids.”
(Not dumb, I hear this all the time, but not terribly helpful).
I get it. You’re terrified. But this can look and feel however you want it to – you just have to know how. Divorce does not automatically lead to damaged children.
Did you hear that?! It’s the truth…
DIVORCE DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY LEAD TO DAMAGED CHILDREN.
Your fighting does.
And it doesn’t matter if you are married or divorced, conflict affects your children greatly.
So I’m here for you. I’m here to hold you accountable, to support you through this chaotic time, to show you what’s possible with a little work and a belief that your family will be ok.
I’m a marriage and family counselor and coach who supports couples as they decide how they want to raise their children together after divorcing.
If you’d like to know more about my personal and professional life, and read my “divorce announcement” you can click here. If not, keep on reading!
I’ve successfully (meaning they are much happier now, have a good relationship with the other parent, and the kids are doing really well)… guided divorcing parents…
reeling from an affair.
where the wife told her husband she’s gay.
who separate but stay in the same home to raise their kids and date other people.
who think it’s impossible to divorce (because of their home, money, family, religion, values) but make it happen because it’s the best decision.
who were devastated to get divorced (both of them).
who couldn’t divorce fast enough
They all made it through. They worked their tails off to create the new family structure they desired. And I walked with them every step of the way.
When my then husband (I hate the term “ex”, but might use it occasionally so not to confuse you) and I first talked about our divorce, I took out a piece of paper and drew out how I wanted it to look.
“You’ll live here, I’m here. School is here. Kids feel safe at both homes. Partners contribute as parents, etc.” I could see it so clearly in my mind, but I (both of us) was totally overwhelmed at how to get there.
I clung to that piece of paper and the hope it gave me. Hope that we weren’t going to ruin our children’s lives. Hope that we weren’t going to hate each other. Hope that we were all going to be ok.
My guess is that’s what you’re feeling right now.
Overwhelmed. Scared. But also hopeful.
Well, I have good news…
You don’t have to follow the model our society has created about divorce.
You don’t have to be like other families. You get to decide how it feels.
And I’m guessing you want your family to look different (if you didn’t you would have stopped reading this paragraphs ago)
So let me say to you—I’m going to make sure that you get what you want.
I know, you’re probably wondering what qualifies me to make that promise. Here’s my answer:
One.
I did it myself. And we had a hard situation (though each divorce is a hard situation when it’s your life).
I fell in love and came out, stopped drinking, endured school community drama, living away from family, oh, and our youngest was 14 months old when s*it first hit the fan—F me). We both made mistakes and we both slowly learned how to co-parent.
Today our children are thriving and our co-parenting relationship is better than our marital relationship.
Two.
I hold a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and a Life Coaching certification from Martha Beck’s coaching program (she was Oprah’s life coach, so she knows some stuff.) As well as six years experience with hospice care (I know grief), 300+ hours of crisis line work (I know crisis) and running family and individual support groups (I know support). I’ve done this work for over 20 years.
Three.
I thrive in a crisis. I can stay calm and grounded and assess what the people around me need. I love “courageous conversations.” Friends and family come to me for advice, and I know what to say when someone loses a baby or a parent or a job or a marriage (and it’s not “OH NO! What happened?!!”) If you call me in a panic, you will get off the phone feeling calmer with a plan.
That’s A LOT of information about me. But it’s all to show you what’s possible.
I’m so glad you’re here, and I look forward to connecting.