Not Liking Your Ex Just Might Save YOU
“I HATE my ex.”
It’s like the universal anthem for anyone fresh out of a breakup or divorce. People expect it. They nod along, like, “Yeah, makes sense.”
But… do you really hate them? Or is there something deeper going on?
Why Hate is Hooking You
Hate just doesn’t show up out of nowhere. It sneaks in when you’re feeling raw, exposed, and completely vulnerable.
Divorce? It holds up a giant mirror to your life. Suddenly, everywhere you turn, there’s your reflection staring back at you:
In your ex.
In your kids.
In your family.
In your friends, your coworkers, your whole world.
You see a giant flashing scarlet letter — your “Scarlet D” for divorce — blinding your vision. You don’t like it. It feels awful.
So while moving that awful feeling out of you and toward your ex is certainly understandable, it’s not helpful – it’s actually biting you in the butt.
I’m not suggesting this is the time for deep, soul-level healing - you’re in survival mode, just trying not to lose your sh*t over a text thread about school lunches takes all the energy you can muster.
But here’s the thing: If you have kids, this relationship isn’t over. It’s actually just at the beginning of something new. You’re going to have to deal with this person — whether you like it or not.
So, if hate feels like it’s consuming you, if it’s all you talk about with your friends, if you’re replaying the same stories over and over in your head, I have to ask:
Is this really about them? Or is it about you?
Hate Will Swallow You Whole
Here’s the tough love part: While everything you’re saying about your ex may feel true to you, it’s also destroying you.
Hate does a lot of things, but none of them are good: It makes you irrational. It keeps you stuck in the past. It drains your energy, leaving you with nothing for your future.
Hate is like a slow poison. It burns hot, but trust me — it burns you first. Your children also feel the heat (even if you think you’re hiding it).
And, I get it. Hating them can feel validating. Like it justifies why you left… or why they left. It feels like retribution and power.
But you don’t need to prove anything to anyone.
How to Let It Go (Even When It Feels Impossible)
1. Fake It Like It’s Your Job
Pretend your ex is a coworker you don’t really like. Be polite. Be neutral. Will it feel weird? Absolutely. But it will give you space — space to make decisions based on logic, not emotion.
2. Check Your Stories
“They ruined my life.”“They’re so selfish.”Stop. Those stories are keeping you stuck. And honestly, most of them aren’t even true — or if they are, they don’t need to narrate your future.
3. Less Is More
If you’re co-parenting, keep communication about the kids short and straightforward. Stick to the essentials. The fewer words you share, the fewer chances there are for things to spiral.
You Don’t Have to Hate Them - and That’s OK
Here’s what I want you to take away from this:
You don’t have to hate your ex like society might expect you to. You also don’t have to like them.
You can simply...not like them very much right now.
Because hate says, “This story is over, and it’s never changing.”
Dislike, on the other hand, leaves the door open — open to repair, open to growth. Your children need this door to stay open.
So, start letting it go. Not overnight, not all at once — but little by little.
Focus on liking yourself more. Focus on loving your kids more.
When you stop wasting your energy on them, you’ll finally have the energy to build something better — for YOU.
And that? That’s the real win.
